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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:53:07 GMT
I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, she said mine was the biggest cock she'd ever had her hands on. I said you're pulling my leg...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:53:24 GMT
Breaking News: Derrick Bird's wife has just made a statement. "I only asked him to shoot down the high street and get me a loaf of bread"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:54:00 GMT
Paddy was waiting at a bus stop with his mate & a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy says "I'm going to do that when i win the lottery" "Whats that" asks his mate. Paddy replies "Send the lawn away to be cut"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:54:45 GMT
wife asks husband how many sexual partners he had been with, "it doesnt matter, you'll only get mad or embarrassed", he replied. "i promise i will not get either, please tell me because i am really curios now". "ok"says the husband, "one,two,three,four,five,six,YOU,seven,eight,nine."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:55:31 GMT
English family driving through Dublin get lost. They stop & ask Paddy which is the quickest way to the city centre. Paddy asks " are you walking or driving?" The father says "driving" Paddy replies " yeah, that's the quickest way"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:55:49 GMT
Man goes to a fancy dress party in nothing but a glass over his cock, "I'm a fireman, in emergency break glass pull knob & i'll cum as fast as i can
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:56:07 GMT
I got stopped by the coppers at 2am and they asked me where I was going. I told them I was on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol on the human body. The old bill says''who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?" I said "the fcking wife"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:56:49 GMT
My budgie broke his leg today, so i made him a splint out of two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up. So did the rest of him as i'd forgotten i'd lined his cage floor with sandpaper.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 11:57:04 GMT
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came
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Post by zonkers on Aug 10, 2010 19:58:14 GMT
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheeps bladder. However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.....
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2010 22:06:39 GMT
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheeps bladder. However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..... Wa wa wa wa waaaaaaa... ;D
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Post by zonkers on Aug 16, 2010 21:28:19 GMT
Bloke walks into a pub & orders 6 brandies barman says "whats the occassion" he says I just had my first blow job. Barman says in that case the next drink is on me. No thanks he says if 6 does not get rid of the taste nothing will.
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Post by zonkers on Aug 16, 2010 21:28:51 GMT
Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a grave yard for a "P". One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath. The two husbands were in the pub the next day and first man says "i better watch my wife she came home last night with no knickers" the other man says" Thats f**k all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying- we'll never forget you from all the boys at the fire station.
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Post by zonkers on Aug 16, 2010 21:29:20 GMT
Paddy & Jimmy need a drink.They pool their cash but only have 50p.Paddy takes the cash to the butchers & buys a sausage.They go into a bar,order 2 pints & down them.Before the barman asks for the cash Paddy puts the sausage in his fly & Jimmy sucks it.The barman throws them out.In the10th pub Jimmy says "I can't do this any more, my knees are killing me"Paddy replies "Your knees? I lost the sausage in the second pub"
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Post by zonkers on Aug 16, 2010 21:30:30 GMT
Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his cock. He says: do you like my cock that much? She says: "no I just miss mine"
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