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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2007 1:21:10 GMT
*****WARNING*****
The following thread contains strong language and posts of a sexual nature. If you are easily offended please do not read.**** With Sub's failure to add a joke section for some lighthearted fun I will start one: Here goes........ especially for bigfatdave A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree" "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2007 1:36:38 GMT
Bugger work this is more fun
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks: That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Scottish guy thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English Twat again.....
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2007 1:37:10 GMT
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2007 1:37:57 GMT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but
will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know
what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fucking arsehole!!"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2007 3:01:57 GMT
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
...
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...
Wait for it... ...
...
...
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2007 3:27:59 GMT
What's the definition of a Lesbian?? "Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."
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Post by schumi on Jun 8, 2007 7:46:14 GMT
Not along the same lines as yours, but one that made me laugh, and not many clean jokes do:
Two cats trying to swim the Channel - one two three cat and un deux trois cat. Which one made it?
One two three cat because un deux trois quatre cinq.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2007 7:26:44 GMT
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2007 7:28:05 GMT
Poor old Harry is 90 years old and on his deathbed, and his wife Zelda is by his side.. "Zelda honey, you've always been by my side." "When I broke my leg at 25, you were by my side.!" "When I had my first heart attack at 45, you were by my side.!" "When I had my second heart attack at 65, you were by my side.! "When I broke my hip at 75, you were by my side.! "And now when I'm dying, you are by my side.!".....
Pause
"Zelda, you're a fucking jinx..!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2007 23:53:48 GMT
Onyas Smartarse!! ooooops sorry SSamyarse - erm did youse leave the letters K & I off the front of yer name?
here's a few quotes for ya: -
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandpa the Bus Driver--peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming and trying to get out like all his passengers. "
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan ."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2007 10:09:42 GMT
*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. *Muriel's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! *Martha's Way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. *Muriel's Way * Buy SMASH potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year. *Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. *Muriel's Way * Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. *Martha's Way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." *Muriel's Way * If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad - You did your bit. *Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. *Muriel's Way * Celery? Never heard of it! *Martha's Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. *Muriel's Way * Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! *Martha's Way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. *Muriel's Way * Go ask that gorgeous neighbor if he can open it for you! Its a fantastic way to break the ice before taking him to bed! *Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. *Muriel's Way * Leftover wine? ? HELLOooooooooooooo!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2007 10:10:47 GMT
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)
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Post by schumi on Jun 11, 2007 20:21:15 GMT
This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions.
However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently, eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth.
You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence B. Idealism C. Fizz bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)! C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going She says she s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the ref disallowed that goal.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.
Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "We have three of them?"
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Post by schumi on Jun 11, 2007 20:40:38 GMT
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Big Brother is a prime example.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
404: Someone who's clueless. File not found.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
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Post by schumi on Jun 11, 2007 21:07:59 GMT
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
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