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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:46:19 GMT
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:46:36 GMT
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:46:53 GMT
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:47:08 GMT
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:47:31 GMT
Went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female doctor, drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said don't worry I'm a professional, I've seen it all before, just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can.......
I said I think my cock tastes funny.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:47:52 GMT
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.... on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:48:10 GMT
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said,"About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut? The "barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
"Your house."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:48:29 GMT
The Church service was ending & the collection had just finished. The preacher saw a £50 note in the plate, stopped the service & said "whoever put the £50 in please stand up" A gay man stood & said " i did" The preacher told him "for your generosity I'll let you pick 3 hymns" Excitedly the man looked around & said " I'll have him, him & him"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:48:48 GMT
Just been outside & got hit on the head by a lasagne, a black forest gateau & some sausage rolls.... Must be the fallout from Iceland!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:49:06 GMT
What's yellow and stands in a field shouting 'Looney! Looney! Looney! ? Park Ji-Sung.........
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:49:21 GMT
there was a man from leeds who ate a load of seed within an hour hes dick was a flour and hes balls were covered in weeds
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:49:39 GMT
Me nan and grand dad were at the doctors. Nan has to do the translating as grandads rather deaf.
Doctor suggested doing grandads blood pressure and listen to his chest. Grandad said "whats he want to do", gran explains he needs to listen to your chest and check your blood pressure "oh" replys grandad.
Doctor then requests that a blood sample and a swab in the mouth would be good to get some tests done. Grandad again being deaf says "whats he want to do now..." take some blood and and a sample of your spit, "oh ok" grandad replies.
Finally the doctor suggests that a urine and stool sample would be good if he can supply one. Grandad again shouts "what the fcukk now..."
grandma replies he needs to borrow your pyjama bottoms..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:50:03 GMT
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party. It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than Labour has done in the last 10 years
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:50:18 GMT
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fool!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 12:50:33 GMT
Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion & have finally got a white cock that brings tears to a womens eyes!
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