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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:14:49 GMT
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:22:44 GMT
Blowjob Etiquette
(By A Female)
1. First and foremost we are not obliged to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you do get one be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw but it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No I don't have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles
6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally I don't want to puke on your prick.
7. I don't care how relaxed you are it's NEVER ok to fart.
8. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I have ruined it for you
9. No it doesn't particularly taste good and I don't care about the protein count.
10. No I will not do it while you watch t.v.
(By A Male)
1. First of all, yes you're obliged to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting, Does "fanny fart" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as i see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankfull i'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when i tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we have had better.
11. If you swallow you won't have to worry about getting any on your face will you?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:27:51 GMT
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?
" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2007 14:29:15 GMT
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2007 14:30:55 GMT
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2007 15:15:38 GMT
A man's body is brought in to the Killkenny morgue by an ambulance crew, but unfortunately he is carrying nothing to identify him.
One of the mortuary technicians happens to see the dead man and says,"Now then, I'm not sure, but I think that is Paddy O'Shea lying there, so it is. He has no family, so I suggest we get his two friends, Michael Flannigan and Seamus Doherty, to come in and confirm who the poor fellow is."
So the police go round to Michael Flannigan's house and tell him that they think they have his friend, Paddy O'Shea, in the morgue and ask him to come in and identify the body.
In the morgue, Michael asks the staff if they will turn the body face down. The bemused technicians do as asked, though. Michael then lifts the sheet, looks underneath and examine's the man's posterior. Slowly he turns round and says,"Tis a sad day for the fellow, but I can confirm, without any shadow of doubt, that this is not my friend Paddy O'Shea."
Somewhat surprised by this, the police decide to get a second opinion. So off they go, round to Seamus Doherty's house. As before, they explain to Seamus their suspicions over the possible death of his friend, Paddy O'Shea, and would he come to the morgue to confirm if it is Paddy.
To the increasing puzzlement of the mortuary staff, Seamus makes the same request for the body to be turned face down. Once again, they comply with the request. Seamus then takes a peek under the sheet, pausing to look hard at the man's bottom, but then stands up shaking his head. "Tis a terrible thing for this poor sole, but I am certainly happy to say that this is most definitely not my friend Paddy O'Shea."
Thoroughly confused by the situation, the policeman turns to Seamus and asks how both he and Michael can be so certain that this is not Paddy O'Shea.
Seamus replied,"Well, I am totally posative that this is not our friend Paddy O'Shea, because whenever we used to walk about in the town, we'd forever be hearing people shout behind us,
"There goes Paddy O'Shea with those two arseholes" "
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2007 18:38:37 GMT
Some git bashed into my car today, they were driving one of them new Skodas as there was jam and spunge everywere! ************************************************************************** I got a new Job with the samaritins last week. I tried to ring in sick today, but the swines talked me out of it!!!! ************************************************************************** It gos in dry It comes out wet The longer its in the stronger it gets It comes out dripping and starts to sag Its not what your thinking....................
ITS A
TETLEY TEA BAG!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2007 21:00:07 GMT
Why was LT. Ahouras hair brown? because Williaim Shatner!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2007 17:55:58 GMT
Have you ever tried Snail Wine, it's really strong. One slug and you're wasted.... ;D I know, I know it's really bad, I just heard it on Midlands Today, blame Nick Owen
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Post by Genghis on Jul 12, 2007 17:59:21 GMT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
All the best Rob
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2007 18:09:33 GMT
love it ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2007 21:03:17 GMT
Was invited to a Muslim birthday party yesterday . They seemed to take a while to get through musical chairs , but they didn't half get through pass the parcel sharpish .
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 11:03:38 GMT
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" To which her husband quietly replied:
(wait for it!!)
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 11:14:15 GMT
If this had happened in a US airport,compared to glasgow Eyewitness accounts.
America:"Oh my God! there was a man on fire,he was running about, i just ran for my life..i thought i was gonna die,he got so close to me"
Glasgow "flapperjack wis running aboot on fire,so a ran up n gave him a good boot,then decked him"
America:"I just wanna get home,away from here..i just wanna get home,i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"here shug,am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"
America:"there was pandemonium,people were running in all directions,we didn't know what was hapening,i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"Fuck this fir a kerry oan,moan we ll get a pint in"
America:"We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister,and was trying to get into his trunk,i thought we were gonna die,i just ran for my life"
Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire,and the dafty couldnae even open his boot,he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"
America:there was this huge explosion,it sounded like war,i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"There wis a bang,yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"
America:"i'm too traumatised even to speak,i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow "here mate,gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear,if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"
& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........
John Smeaton (these are real)
John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"
John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !
Mr Smeaton - Local Hero
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 11:25:38 GMT
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said...
..."I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks."
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