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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 16:55:30 GMT
England has been designated smoke free in enclosed publicspaces.
In keeping with the regulations introduced in Scotland months ago. Glasgow Airport would like to remind all muslim passengers they must extinguish themselves before entering the terminal building. Police have revealed that the driver of the failed terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport has been named as Singed Majeep. They believe that he was celebrating the Muslim Festival of RAMAVAN...!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 16:57:34 GMT
URGENT MISSING REPORT
ROUND YELLOW THING USUALLY FLOATS AROUND IN THE SKY
ANSWERS TO THE NAME ''SUN''
IF YOU SEE HIM TELL HIM IT'S FUCKING JULY
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2007 17:09:03 GMT
In The Beginning... In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli and spinach, and with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said 'You want hot fudge with that?
And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And so they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad" And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, and super size 'em". And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION:
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health ... 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2007 17:00:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2007 9:44:39 GMT
A wee Scottish poem:
Bob Burns eat your heart out
Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots Oor Johnny walked one day When he saw a sicht that troubled him far more that he could say A fanatic muslim bastard wiz doin what he'd planned And intae Glesca's departure hall a Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis came forward tae assist He thocht "a wumman driver" or at least someone half-pissed But to his shock nae drunken Jock emerged to grasp his hand But a flamin Arab loony frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case had set hissel' on fire And swung oot at the polis GBH his clear desire Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried and sallied tae the fray A left hook and a heid butt required tae save the day
Now listen up Bin Laden yir sort's nae wanted here For imported English radicals us Scoatsman huv nae fear Oor hame grown Glesca Asians will have nae bluidy truck So tak yer worldwide jihad an get yersel tae Fuck
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2007 10:25:15 GMT
A wee Scottish poem: Bob Burns eat your heart out Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots Oor Johnny walked one day When he saw a sicht that troubled him far more that he could say A fanatic muslim bastard wiz doin what he'd planned And intae Glesca's departure hall a Cherokee he'd rammed. A big Glaswegian polis came forward tae assist He thocht "a wumman driver" or at least someone half-pissed But to his shock nae drunken Jock emerged to grasp his hand But a flamin Arab loony frae Al Qaeda's band The mad Islamist nut-case had set hissel' on fire And swung oot at the polis GBH his clear desire Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried and sallied tae the fray A left hook and a heid butt required tae save the day Now listen up Bin Laden yir sort's nae wanted here For imported English radicals us Scoatsman huv nae fear Oor hame grown Glesca Asians will have nae bluidy truck So tak yer worldwide jihad an get yersel tae Fuck Absolutely wonderful ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2007 12:00:44 GMT
Good one isn't it
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2007 12:40:51 GMT
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim. During a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2007 9:48:34 GMT
A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump heel etc. He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do". He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2007 16:40:45 GMT
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, " That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, " That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. " That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, " That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Quantity Surveyor.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2007 18:27:19 GMT
Paddy goes for a job as a blacksmith The blacksmith asks him if he's ever had experiance in shoeing horses? No he says but I have told a donkey to sod off!!
**************************************************** Those Harry Potter films are so unrealistic, I mean i believe the flying car could be possible But who ever heard of a ginger kid with 2 mates!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2007 23:17:39 GMT
Morning All!! What does a dwarf get if he runs thru a woman’s legs?... a clit around the ear, a flap across the face and a crack on the head! ;D He he – have a happy day everyone!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2007 7:26:57 GMT
Which would you choose? Cake Or Bed? ? A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light, now? Does it look like I have an electrician's logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" The wife asks;"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."To which he replied;"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so." Fine, she says, "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door. They're about to break.""I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps", he says. "Does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the Pub." So he goes to the Pub for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enter the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey" he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" She said,"I was sitting on the step crying and a gorgeous young man stopped and asked me what was wrong and so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake." He said'"So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied; "Helloo...........Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2007 9:33:00 GMT
An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar. They are staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He is so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man"s eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle"
Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. What's wrong my son?; says Jesus.
The Liverpudlian shouts, "fuck off, I'm on disability benefit"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2007 9:34:54 GMT
IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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