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Post by admin on Jun 22, 2007 21:02:07 GMT
Yes, I grinned and then groaned.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2007 21:20:31 GMT
In the famous words of Frank Carson "it's a cracker"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2007 1:15:13 GMT
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol, Just at that moment a bee flew in his window. The bee said "what seems to be the problem"? "I've run out of petrol" replies the man The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later the man watched as a swarm of bee's flew up to his car and into the petrol tank. After a few minutes the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one of the bee's The man turned the ignition and to his amazement it started right up. "Wow" shouted the man "what did you put in my petrol tank" The bee answered............ ;D wait for it...... I buzzing know...... "BP"
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Post by schumi on Jun 23, 2007 21:13:57 GMT
Women's vocabulary:
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Post by schumi on Jun 23, 2007 21:15:52 GMT
Man's response:
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK" Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 23:34:34 GMT
John receives a phone call."Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?
"Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.
"John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.
"John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 23:36:41 GMT
One day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?""My dog bit her and she died".
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 23:43:04 GMT
At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 23:46:45 GMT
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" he suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?""Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on."Now would you put on my pants?" he asks."Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says."Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks."Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"She starts walking around the perimeter of the island.
He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm shagging with!"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 23:50:47 GMT
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system.
He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious.
What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:03:32 GMT
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're a teenager
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:03:58 GMT
What's the definition of eternity? The time between when you cum and she leaves
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:05:03 GMT
How can you tell if your wife is dead ? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:11:36 GMT
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 0:12:59 GMT
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
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