The Joke Factory

[Deleted]

The Liverpool FC manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the league.

One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi soccer player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later, Liverpool are 4 to1 down to Everton with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new
star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of
looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're sorry? It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!

[Deleted]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

[Deleted]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Deleted]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Deleted]

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

[Deleted]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you." But the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So, she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So, she agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Deleted]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or their lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times

[Deleted]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year,and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."Esther replied,"Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 quid is £50 quid.......!"

[Deleted]

A man goes to the doctors cos he's got a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
The doctor says "That looks awful, is it bothering you?"

The man replies "It sure is, it's driving me nuts!"

[Deleted]

A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"

The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"

The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

[Deleted]

Dr Alan had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Alan don't worry about it, you aren't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last, and you're single, just let it go.
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering 'Alan you're a fuckin vet'

[Deleted]

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Oh Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[Deleted]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[Deleted]

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

[Deleted]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.


Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!