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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2007 9:56:29 GMT
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both of his legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he had just seen. "Son, you have just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2007 10:53:24 GMT
Many years ago in the earlty colonisation days of Australia a Roman Catholic mission was founded way out past the Black Stump in the Never Never down Borroloola way. One day the Pope was sitting in his study in the Vatican playing with Google Earth when he came across it. Of course he was interested in this far-flung outpost of the Holy Church so he informed his lackeys that this was to be the next stop on his World Tour.
It takes time for news to travel in the Outback and when the word reached the Mission it was the day before the impending visit, and the locals flew into a panic - what to feed the Holy Father when he arrrived with his entourage? So the junior priest was sent down to the nearest Billabong to catch some fish for the Great Fisherman. One of the Natives fired up the outboard and off they went. After a while they got a nibble - and what a nibble! 25 Kilos of U-Beaut Silver Monster took the bait and after an epic struggle they managed to land it.
"Look at the size of that Fucker!" exclaimed the native and the priest was aghast! He cried "Wash your mouth out immediately my son!" "No need to, Father' said the quick-witted son of the soil, "That's what we call 'em round 'ere, this 'ere's a real Big Fucker!"
So the priest dragged his catch back to the Mission where he met the Bishop and the Mother Superior. "Check this out" he said, "Look at the size of this Big Fucker!"
Well they were shocked but after the priest explained they accepted his word for it and went about their business; the Bishop filleted and cleaned the Big Fucker and the Mother Superior cooked the Big Fucker up for the Pope's Dinner the next night.
Naturally in the Biblical tradition the fish fed everyone. After dinner, over the Brandy and Cigars, the Pope asked what sort of fish it was?
Up jumped the trio, bursting with pride: "Its a Big Fucker your Holiness" said the Priest, "I Caught the Fucker!" "I cleaned the Fucker!" piped up the Bishop, and "I cooked the Fucker" added the Mother Superior.
"Well" said his Holiness, sucking on a genuine Havana and savouring his Brandy, "to be honest I was a bit worried about coming to this place, bit of a backwater I thought at first, but you know what? Youse flapperjacks are orl right!"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2007 10:55:02 GMT
So that's what Flapperjacks means!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2007 12:31:10 GMT
Making a Baby...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said. "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Do you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2007 21:02:41 GMT
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2007 21:03:47 GMT
A blind man was describing his favourite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2007 21:04:28 GMT
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach. J
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2007 21:19:12 GMT
A plane is flying over the United States at night. The pilot announces over the PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out." A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude. We must throw anything out that is in the cabin".
The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.
Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people". There's a big gasp from the passengers. But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.
So, A. Any Africans on board?" No one moves.
"B. Any blacks on board?" No one moves.
"C. Any coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.
"D. Any darkies?
A little black boy whispers to his Father "Dad, aren't we black?
His Father quietly replied "No Son. Tonight we're Zulus."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2007 21:21:31 GMT
Power of Beer A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy . The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, then staggers right through the front door into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, * * * * (Wait for it) * * * * (It's coming) * * * * (Ya ready?) * * * * (Don't hate me) * * * * (Take a deep breath) * * * * "He should've quit while he was a head!"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2007 0:23:52 GMT
Noah closes and seals the door to the Ark, then he turns around to address the animals aboard the ship... "I don't know what you've been told," he said, "This isn't going to be a pleasure cruise. 40 days and 40 nights with minimum food, water and space. You replenish the Earth AFTER you get off the boat. NO FUCKING ON THIS VESSEL! To make sure this happens, we're going to confiscate all the males' penises and you will be given a receipt. Turn it in as you leave and you'll get the organ back." Two weeks out the Rabbit wakes up and nudges his wife..."Did we hit land yet?" "No," she replied. "Go back to sleep." A couple days later he woke up again. "Did we hit land yet? Did we hit land yet?" "No," she replied again. Why are you so excited?" The Rabbit said softly..."I've got the Horse's receipt."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2007 11:52:44 GMT
Paddy and Mick were in an aeroplane. Mick turned to Paddy and said: "Paddy, if this plane went upside down dya think we'd fall out?" "Would we fuck" said Paddy, "We've been friends for years"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2007 19:22:28 GMT
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a Indian restaurant or a motel in England.
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2007 19:21:23 GMT
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks her if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. So she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question.
If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. If you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer,I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question."What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word.She reaches into her purse,pulls out A five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer,"What goes up a Hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references. He uses the Air-phone. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse,hands the lawyer $5,and goes back to sleep.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2007 19:28:12 GMT
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled By her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2007 1:36:55 GMT
Girlfriends' Drink
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets. She tries to talk him into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue. Salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits ...At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "What do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
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