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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2007 7:17:59 GMT
Paulco McTavish was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the plod.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paulco answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the plod, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paulco says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face!"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2007 7:29:02 GMT
A waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a beautiful woman all alone at a nearby table and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and decided to send a reply note to him. The waiter, took the note and gave it to the gentleman.
Her note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, A million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I have over 20 million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2007 13:17:26 GMT
London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please. "London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration, please! "London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2007 9:48:53 GMT
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving £25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2007 9:32:30 GMT
Holy Mackerel!
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They all end up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, 'OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.' All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, 'Lisa! What seems to be the rush?' The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2007 8:38:41 GMT
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2007 8:39:31 GMT
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them. "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down." "I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins. The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry. The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2007 8:48:04 GMT
Ronaldinho, Zinedine Zidane and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldinho first he asks, "what do you believe?" Ronaldinho looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Barcelona. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldinho the seat to his left.
He then turns to ZiZou, "and you, Zinedine , what do you believe?"
Zidane stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Zidane the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"
"I believe" says Faddy "you're sitting in my seat."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2007 9:32:25 GMT
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin so the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra sighed then replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2007 11:03:39 GMT
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to Feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown Store Manager
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2007 7:44:09 GMT
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.. 'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag. 'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.' The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. 'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag. I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor. 'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag. 'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor. 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor. 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor. 'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag! 'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?' 'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag. 'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor .............. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. (this is good - wait for it . ..... .... .) ;D .. .. .. .. . .. .. .. .. .. .. 'Your mother must have been a carrier' ;D ;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2007 8:09:13 GMT
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in British Columbia..
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2007 8:50:00 GMT
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head,there’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of. “That’s very good” replied the interviewer. “And now you, sir,” he asked the second man. “Hmmm, let me see….. a blink!,” said the second man. “It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened.A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye” That’s a very popular cliché for speed. ”He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out on my dad’s property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light”, he said. Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie.”What!” said the interviewer, stunned by the response? “Oh, I can explain”, said the Aussie,”You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could,think, blink, or turn on the light, I sh*t my pants.” He got the job…
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Post by Deleted on Sept 21, 2007 9:25:58 GMT
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if >something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105mph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f**king Pope as a chauffeur!!"
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Post by schumi on Sept 22, 2007 16:51:25 GMT
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. Author Unknown
No one is listening until you fart. Author Unknown
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